The Surprising Truth About Venting to Friends

Is venting an emotional outlet or a social weapon?

A new study on venting¹ has sparked headlines suggesting that venting makes your friends like you more—but the reality is more nuanced. I want to break down the findings and talk about what I think is really going on here.

The Study

The researchers recruited nearly 2,000 participants and divided them into four groups. Each participant listened to someone talk about a mutual friend under different conditions:

1. Venting: The speaker expressed frustration, focusing on their own emotions and experiences.

2. Derogation: The speaker criticized the mutual friend in an overtly aggressive and direct way.

3. Mutual Gossip: The speaker shared neutral gossip about the mutual friend.

4. Personal Disclosure: The speaker talked about an unrelated personal issue, like car troubles (acting as a control condition).

Afterward, participants rated how close they felt to both the speaker (the person talking) and the target (the mutual friend being discussed).

The Findings

The found that participants liked the speaker more when they vented about a friend compared to when they spoke aggressively about them. The key difference? Venting focuses on the speaker’s emotions—"I feel hurt or frustrated"—while derogation directly attacks the target’s character ("They are selfish or awful"). This emotional framing makes venting seem less confrontational and allows the speaker to avoid looking like a gossip or aggressor.

Interestingly, venting also caused participants to dislike the target of the venting even more. This suggests that venting isn’t just about getting emotional support—it’s a subtle social manipulation tool that shifts others' opinions.

Weaponizing Venting?

The study shows that venting, while it might boost the speaker's likability, can also be weaponized. It can harm the target’s reputation and turn people against them, all while keeping the speaker in a positive light. This highlights that venting isn’t always innocent emotional sharing—it can be a strategic way to undermine relationships.

So, next time you feel the urge to vent, consider the real impact it might have. Venting might feel good in the moment, but it can create long-lasting damage in social dynamics, turning friends against each other rather than fostering genuine support.

1. Krems, J. A., Merrie, L. A., Rodriguez, N. N., & Williams, K. E. G. (2024). Venting makes people prefer—and preferentially support—us over those we vent about. Evolution and Human Behavior, 45(5), 106608.