The Problem is Entitlement
If you're chronically angry, pay attention to what you think you're owed.
I see it in both my personal life and my professional life. I see it in the comments on social media, the comments to my Substacks, and I hear it from my friends on the dating apps.
Chronically angry people are chronically entitled people.
What is Entitlement?
Entitlement is the belief that you are inherently deserving of certain privileges, special treatment, or rewards without necessarily earning them. It is an expectation that others should accommodate your needs, desires, or opinions simply because of who you are or what you believe you’re owed.
“I’ve worked here for 10 years so they they owe me that promotion.”
“I was nice and paid for dinner so I deserve a second date.”
“I don’t care how busy they are, I shouldn’t have to wait.”
How is Entitlement Relevant to Anger?
Entitlement sets you up for unrealistic expectations. You think you deserve something (e.g., a promotion, a second date, immediate service) and when you don’t get that something, you get angry.
There are essentially three broad overlapping types of situations that lead to anger: poor treatment, injustice, and having your goals blocked. But each of these things is subjective (i.e., it’s not so much objective poor treatment, it’s perceptions of poor treatment that lead to anger) and entitlement impacts all three categories.
If you feel entitled, regular treatment feels like poor treatment.
If you feel entitled, equal treatment will feel like injustice.
If you feel entitled, not getting what you want feels like goal blocking.
So for example:
“I’ve worked here for 10 years so they they owe me that promotion” (injustice).
“I was nice and paid for dinner so I deserve a second date” (poor treatment).
“I don’t care how busy they are, I shouldn’t have to wait” (goal blocking).
What are you entitled to?
What makes this tricky, though, is that there are things you are entitled to, and when those things are withheld, it makes sense to be angry. Anger is a natural and healthy response to poor treatment and injustice, and not getting angry in those situations is bad for you. Your anger exists to energize you to confront injustice, so not getting angry when you should has consequences.
The trouble here, of course, is that what people are actually entitled to is often subjective and perspectives vary widely.1
That said, I don’t actually think the subjectivity of this question matters that much. What I regularly see as a problem here is that some people’s view of what they’re entitled to isn’t internally consistent. What I mean is that what they believe they are entitled to is different from what they believe others are entitled to.
For instance, the same people who say,
“I’ve worked here for 10 years so they owe me that promotion” rarely say, “but the person who’s worked here for 11 years deserves it more than I do.”
“I was nice and paid for dinner so I deserve a second date” are rarely willing to go out on a second date with someone they didn’t click with just because that person was nice to them.
“I don’t care how busy they are, I shouldn’t have to wait” are rarely willing to drop what they’re doing to keep someone else from having to wait.
How do you know if your entitlement is problematic?
Take a moment and imagine you’re angry because you didn’t get something you wanted. By asking yourself the following five questions, you can help determine if that anger is coming from a healthy place or if it’s coming from a place of problematic entitlement.
Did I expect this because I truly earned it or did I just want it? Wanting something badly can feel like a reason to deserve it, but desire alone isn’t proof you deserved it.
Was this ever promised to me or did I assume it should happen? Anger often flares when unspoken expectations aren’t met. Ask yourself if anyone actually committed to this outcome, or if the belief came from your own assumptions.
Would I believe someone else deserved this under the same circumstances? Given what I said earlier about the lack of internal consistency, this is a biggie. Asking yourself this question checks for double standards. If you wouldn’t apply the same logic to a peer, your reaction is probably rooted in entitlement rather than fairness.
Am I reacting to this as a personal injustice or a normal disappointment? Not getting what you want can hurt, but not all hurt is proof of injustice. If your anger feels disproportionate, it might be because you believe the world owes you something it doesn’t.
Is my anger trying to protect my pride more than anything else? Sometimes, entitlement shows up as a shield for embarrassment, rejection, or insecurity. This question helps you shift from “I deserve this” to “Why does this hurt?”
How do you help other people identify their entitlement?
OK, but so often the entitlement problem isn’t our own. You’re dealing with someone else’s anger and entitlement. Here are five questions you can ask them to help them recognize their own entitlement.
Can you tell me more about what you were expecting? This question helps someone reflect on whether they were promised something or just assumed it. It gently opens the door to examine expectations versus reality.
If someone else were in your shoes, would you say they automatically deserve it too? This reframes the situation and checks for double standards. It encourages them to think more objectively about fairness rather than from a personal, emotional lens.
Did someone tell you this would happen, or were you hoping it would? This helps clarify the difference between a hope, a plan, or a promise. It can reveal how unspoken assumptions may be driving disappointment or anger.
Is it possible you’re feeling hurt or overlooked—and this is just how that’s showing up?” Entitlement often masks more vulnerable feelings. This question offers a compassionate way to explore whether the frustration is rooted in emotional pain rather than true injustice.
Entitlement isn’t just a mindset. It’s a setup for chronic disappointment and anger. The more we believe unreasonably that the world owes us, the more hostile we become when it doesn’t deliver. If we want to be less angry, we have to start by asking what we truly deserve—and whether we’d give the same to someone else.
Honestly, what human beings are entitled to is a fascinating philosophical and political question- way beyond the scope of this article. There are, of course, some basic human rights that most people agree on (e.g., safety, freedom), but even those are understood differently by different people.