Strong Enough to Reflect
Why introspection is the emotional skill too many men were never taught
Over the last few months, I’ve had a lot of great conversations with men about some really personal topics (relationships, divorce, work stress, grief, dating, etc.). It’s been really rewarding to learn more and to have so many men open up to me. One thing I’ve noticed through the discussions, though (and this won’t feel new to many of you), is how often men struggle to look inward.
Join Level Up, a free private group for men who want to grow in healthy ways.
What Am I Feeling Right Now?
What do I mean? Well, many men have a hard time being introspective. They have a hard time examining their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with honesty and curiosity. They don’t feel comfortable asking themselves questions like what am feeling right now, why did I react that way, or where is this emotion coming from?
Instead, what I’m consistently finding is that when something goes wrong or when something in their life isn’t right, men tend to look outward. They look for someone to blame:
A bad day at work? My boss is incompetent.
A tense conversation with a partner? She’s overreacting.
Can’t get a date? Women keep going for losers.
Of course, these things might be true. Your boss may be incompetent. Your partner may be overreacting. But even when it is true, there’s likely more going on that you’re missing because you’re so focused on what other people did.
In any situation, it’s healthy to take a moment and think about how and what you contributed to it. It’s healthy to? ask yourself, in what way am I responsible for this?
This tendency to externalize blame is really common (and regularly reinforced by other men) and it comes with a cost. It keeps men from developing the emotional insight they need to grow, to connect, and to suffer less.
Traditional Masculine Norms
Take, for example, this 2007 study1 examining how masculinity influences men’s health behaviors. They surveyed 140 men about their adherence to traditional masculine norms, their perceptions of what health behaviors are typical for men and women, and their own health-related practices. The findings revealed that men who more strongly endorsed traditional masculine norms—such as self-reliance, stoicism, and risk-taking—were significantly more likely to engage in risky health behaviors and less likely to engage in health-promoting ones.
Most relevant here, though, is that their behaviors were influenced by what they believed other men typically did, rather than by personal reflection or self-awareness. So… conforming to masculine norms discouraged men from examining their internal emotional states, seeking help, or engaging in self-care. These are common introspective behaviors that are clearly healthy, and men avoided them regularly.
Five Things to Try
If this feels like you. If you’re someone- regardless of gender- who has a hard time examining your own feelings, here are five things you can try:
Pause Before Reacting. When you feel angry, frustrated, or stressed, resist the urge to immediately fix or blame. Instead, pause and ask yourself: What am I actually feeling and where might this be coming from? That moment of reflection can interrupt knee-jerk responses and open the door to deeper understanding.
Journal Regularly. Spend five minutes a few times a week writing about what you felt that day and what may have triggered those feelings. You don’t need to write well or for long—the goal is to notice patterns and give language to your emotions. Over time, you’ll see connections you might have otherwise missed.2
Reflect on Your Role in Conflict. This is a biggie and it’s hard., but after a disagreement or stressful moment, instead of replaying what the other person did wrong, ask yourself how did I contribute to that moment? This doesn’t mean blaming yourself—it means understanding yourself.
Name Your Emotions. Instead of saying "I'm fine" or "I'm just annoyed," try identifying more precise emotions. Am I disappointed, embarrassed, overwhelmed? Research shows that increasing your emotional vocabulary builds emotional intelligence and reduces emotional reactivity.
Talk to People Who Know You Well. Choose a friend, partner, or therapist and ask them how they experience you emotionally. Do you come off as distant, reactive, avoidant? Be open to their insight. Often, the people around us can help us see what we miss in ourselves.
If this feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, that’s okay—introspection is a skill, not a personality trait. The more you practice looking inward with honesty and curiosity, the better you’ll get at understanding yourself and showing up more fully for others.
I’ve created a space (a private Facebook group called Level Up) for men who are ready to change. I believe that the path to real success in relationships, work, and life more generally starts by unlocking emotion management the skills you may never have been taught growing up. Learn more about me and my work at All the Rage.
Mahalik, J. R., Burns, S. M., & Syzdek, M. (2007). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men's health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.
As an aside, I’ve started doing this recently. I started by generating a list of prompts, unrelated to how I was feeling (describe your favorite scene from a movie, write about a dream you had) as a way of getting used to it. After a week or so, it started to feel more normal and natural and so I just started writing about whatever I felt like writing. It’s been helpful and healthy as I try to unpack some things.
Men’s brains often show less activity in the medial prefrontal cortex during emotional reflection, which may biologically hinder introspection. Cultivating empathy rewires neural pathways, improving emotional insight over time.