People send me examples of times they (or someone around them) became emotional, especially angry, so I can diagram them.
Here’s one I got sent on Instagram last week.
Let’s Unpack It
I use the Why Do We Feel Model for these which focuses on three overlapping elements of any emotional situation: (1) a stimulus, (2) their mood at the time of the stimulus, and (3) their appraisal of the stimulus.
In this case, we’re dealing with two different people’s two different emotions: his anger and her sadness.
His Anger
The Stimulus: Being asked “are we on track with the final design.”
His Mood at the Time: He’s likely stressed and anxious given the hectic week they had been having and the time sensitivity of the request.
His Appraisal of the Stimulus: He likely interpreted this stimulus in a couple of different ways. First, he probably felt like she was being impatient with him given that she had already emailed him about this. He also probably felt micromanaged and that her checking in on him was actually counterproductive and slowing him down. Most importantly, though, he probably felt a lack of trust from her in that she didn’t have faith in his ability to get the job done on time without being reminded by her, and that likely led to feelings of hurt and sadness that led to increased anger.
Her Sadness
The Stimulus: Being snapped at by a coworker.
Her Mood at the Time: Same as his, stressed and anxious given the hectic week.
Her Appraisal of the Stimulus: Similarly, there are a couple of different appraisals here that are relevant to her sadness. First, she likely felt like he was treating her unnecessarily cruelly. It was her job to keep the project on track and it’s reasonable for her to get updates on that. So his anger probably felt unjustified to her. Second, his telling her that she was slowing him down probably felt like an attack on her competence. It’s her job to get the work done after all, so this likely felt like him saying she wasn’t doing her job well.
Putting These Together
We get angry when we feel like things are unfair, we’re being treated poorly, and/or when our goals are being blocked. In this case, he likely felt the poor treatment (why can’t she just trust me) and the goal blocking (leave me alone so I can work). We get sad when believe we’ve lost something, when we’re rejected or misunderstood, or when we experience failure. In this case, she likely felt rejected, misunderstood (but this is my job), or had failed (he thinks I’m incompetent).
What we haven’t yet talked about, though, is the reactions (i.e., the behavioral responses to those emotions). There are lots of ways to express anger (in this case, he yelled) and lots of ways to express sadness (in this case, she cried). I’m of the opinion that it’s rarely appropriate to yell at someone, especially at work. I also think it’s ok for people to see you cry, but I understand that isn’t something a lot of people are comfortable with so it’s ok to want space in those moments too.
What I’m getting at here is that we should try and evaluate the emotions as separate from the behavioral expressions of those emotions (e.g., his anger is separate from his expression of that anger). I actually think his frustration is justified here. He’s under a lot of pressure and he wants some space to work on it without interference. But there are ways of voicing that want and based on this, he didn’t do it in the best way.
Want me to unpack an emotional incident for you, message me.
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