Hostility is a Shield: How Insecurity Fuels Aggression
Why Confident People Embrace Conversation—and Insecure People Shut It Down
Confident people don’t shy away from conversation. They aren’t scared of engaging with people they disagree with. And they don’t mind hearing viewpoints that differ from their own.
In fact, confident and emotionally mature people see those conversations as ways to grow and learn.
And people who lack that confidence and maturity use anger and hostility as way of masking their insecurity.
For instance…
or…
or even…
This last one is interesting, because there might be some compelling arguments in there that could be worth discussing. But since the post starts with “False. False. False” (and since the author called me a “soft leftie” in a another post), it doesn’t really speak to an openness to try and understand and learn from another.
The Anger Isn’t the Problem
To be clear, the anger isn’t the problem. Disagreements- especially political disagreements- can be personal and emotional, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad or angry or disappointed when you’re faced with different views (especially when those views might lead to harmful or dangerous policies).
But that’s not what happened here. What happened here were people launching a conversation with an insulting message or barrier, essentially saying “I’m going to tell you what I think but I don’t want to hear what you think.”
Hostility Designed to Prevent Conversation
We can write that off as disrespectful, which it is, but I would argue it’s way worse than that. Because what’s actually happening here is that the people in these messages are deeply insecure. They want to voice their thoughts but are too scared to have an actual conversation because listening, instead of just talking, might mean they learn something that could shake their worldview.
So they use hostility to prevent the discussion.
You might see this hostility as a mask for inadequacy in a lot of places- not just online. Imagine…
A professor who ridicules students’ questions, not because they’re bad questions, but because he’s scared of being asked something he can’t answer.
A manager constantly belittles employees in meetings, trying to prevent them from challenging him and realizing he’s in over his head.
A possible partner on a dating app, becoming hostile to his match once they seem disinterested in him, because it feels better to reject them than to be vulnerable.
It’s always rooted in the same pattern: By lashing out at others, they avoid vulnerability. They don’t open themselves up to
What Should They Do?
I have my doubts that they’ll listen to this, but here’s how I wish people would respond when they don’t like what I or someone else had to say.
Ask questions and drop the hostility from your explanation.
If they really want to have a conversation, they need to listen as well as try to explain themselves. They need to approach those conversations as an opportunity to shift their thinking and grow. And they need to listen with the goal of understanding others better instead of listening just to respond.
Here are three things to try:
Recognize the pattern. Chances are, it looks something like this. They experience something they don’t like (it makes them feel dumb, uncomfortable, or embarrassed. Instead of trying to better understand, they lash out.
Be assertive, not aggressive. Instead of masking insecurity with hostility, practice clear and confident communication. They can stand up for themselves without tearing others down.
Own and Apologize. If they catch themselves being hostile, they should own up to it.
What Should You Do?
I admit, I don’t have a lot of faith that I’ll get through to such people, but I still want to try. So, here’s my approach… I model civility and a willingness to listen by politely asking questions:
Will you tell me more? I want to understand what you mean.
Interesting… How does Russia’s suicide rate fit into that explanation?
Where do you see me denying biology?
Responses like this signal a willingness to listen, but they also model an appropriate and healthy way to communicate. I try to remember, especially online, that these conversations have an audience, so maybe I don’t influence the person I’m communicating with, but I might potentially influence the people reading along.
I’m committed to working more directly with men who want to address their emotional agility and strength. Tools for men to learn more about managing their emotions, including anger, can be found at All the Rage Science (alltheragescience.com).