Assertive Communication
An Emotional Skill We Don’t Talk About Enough
When people talk about emotional wellness, they usually focus on things like self-awareness, stress management, or learning how to calm down once you get upset. Those things matter. But there’s another skill that plays an important role in emotional health and often gets overlooked: assertive communication.
I’ve been asked about this a lot lately.
What is it?
How does it help?
How do I do it?
What is assertive communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully, without violating the rights or boundaries of others. It sits between two less helpful styles. Passive communication avoids conflict by regularly giving in, often at the cost of your own needs. Aggressive communication prioritizes your needs by dismissing or overpowering others.
Assertiveness is what allows you to stand up for yourself and maintain relationships at the same time.
Why does it matter?
From an emotional wellness perspective, this skill is critical. When people consistently avoid asserting themselves, emotions often get suppressed. People start to feel walked on and become resentful, frustrated, or guilty. On the other hand, when emotions are expressed aggressively, conflict escalates and relationships suffer, which creates even more emotional fallout. Assertive communication reduces both of these risks. It supports healthier emotion regulation, lowers stress, and increases confidence, especially in difficult conversations. In many cases, learning to be assertive doesn’t just improve communication, it directly improves how people experience and manage their emotions.
More from the Anger Professor
Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast is now available: Find it here.
The 20-Minute Emotion Fix. A recent post on how to get back on track from Emotion Hacks: Read here.
Wisconsin psychologist shares how to ‘hack’ your emotions. Wisconsin Public Radio: Read here.
How do you do it?
The challenge, of course, is that assertiveness is hard to do well. It requires emotional awareness, perspective-taking, and a willingness to tolerate some discomfort. Here are three practical ways to start building that skill.
First, understand your rights
Assertiveness begins with knowing what you have a right to and what you do not. You have a right to express your feelings, set boundaries, and say no. You do not have a right to control other people or demand that they feel a certain way. Keeping that distinction clear helps prevent assertiveness from turning into aggression—or disappearing into passivity.
Second, stay calm
Tone matters as much as content. When emotions run high, it becomes easier for assertive communication to be perceived as hostile. Staying calm does not mean suppressing emotion; it means regulating it enough to communicate clearly. A steady tone increases the likelihood that your message will be heard rather than defended against.
Third, plan ahead
Most people already know the situations where they tend to give in or explode. Planning for those moments (i.e., deciding in advance what you want to say) reduces emotional overload in the moment. Even a simple mental script can make assertive responses more accessible when it counts.
Assertiveness is not about winning or avoiding conflict. It’s about protecting your emotional well-being while respecting the people around you. That’s why it remains one of the most powerful- and underused- emotional skills we have.
Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and author of three books - including the upcoming Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.