A Guide to Deciding If You Should Be Angry
Our emotions are complicated, and anger might be one of the hardest to sort out.
There can be two extremes when it comes to anger, and both are problematic. On one side are those who get angry too often and express it in unhealthy ways. On the other side are those who don’t seem to get angry enough, even when they’ve been treated poorly. In both cases, problems follow: people who explode end up damaging relationships, and people who underreact may find themselves taken advantage of.
That raises an important question: how do you know when anger is the right response?
The truth is, trying to decide whether you or anyone else should be angry is messy. There’s no formula, no clear line in the sand. Anger is subjective, and situations are nuanced and complicated. Still, being emotionally wise means learning to evaluate your feelings: asking where they come from, what they mean, and how you want to act on them.
Over the years, I’ve found that asking myself three questions can help.
One. Was I (or someone I care about) treated unfairly?
Anger evolved as an alarm bell. For our ancestors, it signaled that they’d been wronged. Like fear warns us of danger and sadness signals loss, anger alerts us to injustice. If you’re angry, chances are you feel like something unfair has happened to you or to someone you care about.
But here’s the tricky part: there’s a difference between actually being wronged and believing you were wronged. In recent years, I’ve seen plenty of examples of people reacting with intense anger to things that weren’t true. Misinformation, rumors, and misunderstandings can all trigger real anger based on false premises. That doesn’t make the feeling less real, but it does mean we should be cautious before acting on it.
So, if you’re angry, pause and double-check: do I understand the facts? Is my information accurate? Am I responding to reality, or to a story I’ve been told? Sometimes the most emotionally intelligent thing you can do is confirm the truth before you react.
Two. Is something blocking my goals?
Not all anger comes from injustice. Sometimes it comes from having our goals blocked. Think about being stuck in traffic because of a snowstorm. Nobody singled you out, and no one is truly “to blame.” You’re experiencing the same gridlock as everyone else, but your goal (e.g., getting home, showing up on time) is blocked.
That blocked-goal frustration is a normal, healthy part of being human. It’s your brain signaling that something stands in the way of what you want or need. While you may not be able to eliminate the traffic, the feeling of frustration makes sense. The challenge is to keep perspective: recognize that it’s not personal, and avoid misdirecting that anger onto others.
Three. What role might I have played?
This last question is the hardest, because it requires honesty and self-reflection. In conflicts, it’s easy to focus on what the other person did wrong. But in reality, most anger arises in the context of relationships; interactions where both sides bring something to the table.
That doesn’t mean you caused someone else’s bad behavior. It just means that your words, actions, or even your tone may have influenced how things unfolded. Sometimes it’s obvious. You said something hurtful, and they snapped back. Other times it’s subtle. You unknowingly made a comment that touched a nerve, or your general approach to the situation put someone on edge.
The point of this question isn’t to blame yourself. It’s actually the opposite: it’s about empowerment. We can’t control what others do, but we can control how we show up, how we respond, and whether we choose to stay engaged. Reflecting on your role gives you options for how to handle similar situations in the future.
Anger as Information
The key takeaway is that anger itself isn’t good or bad.
It’s information.
It’s your mind and body telling you something about your experience: that you might have been treated unfairly, that your goals are being blocked, or that you need to reflect on your role in a conflict.
By asking these three questions, you slow down the automatic reaction and give yourself a chance to think. That pause allows you to decide whether to act and how to act.
More from the Anger Professor
In Case You Missed It, The Male Anger Epidemic: What Four Years of Data Reveals About Men and Rage.
And, I’ve Studied Anger For Decades. Then An Encounter With A Man After Trump Won Changed Everything.
Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and internationally bestselling author author of three books - including the upcoming Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.
Anger is data. Agreed. That said, I don't decide when I'm angry. I don't think you mean "decide" literally in that title. I get that.
Anger arises from an unknowable place, as I see it. (The limbic system, sure. Yes, yes, of course. 🙄😆) It's what I do with anger that matters most.
At age fifty, I'm finally realizing that anger is often a combination of hurt parts, the protector parts that have arisen to keep them safe, and living with diagnosed but largely untreated ADHD.
Meditation helps some, but inquiry, reconciliation of those hurt parts with their protectors, dialogue, and even medication have all been useful. Still, there are circumstances where a good brisk walk in the other direction is the best move I can make.
Thanks for this! Puts anger in the right place. I often tell people that expressing anger can be very helpful when it's a choice, and the expression and modulation of our feelings is "what we mean." (As opposed to the reflexive and reactive version of what's happening inside us.)